Stamford Summer Bar Tour [13] - Colony Grill

Colony Grill. Everyone agrees this East Side dive has the greatest fucking pizza ever. Captain America is throwing the dough and Santa Claus is pouring the beer. The hot oil is Jesus' sweat. There isn't anything I can say that hasn't already been said. Therefore I'll just tell you about my favorite video game of all time, Zelda: Link's Awakening for the original Gameboy.

The game starts as our hero Link is aboard some boat when a storm hits and fucks everything to hell. All goes black as Link drifts towards his end in the briny deep.

Or so we think. Next thing we know Link wakes up in some chick's bed. Not the first time I'm sure Link you dirty old bastard you. Link is alive and in some one room shack with said chick and her father on a remote island. The girl throws herself at our green tight wearing warrior. Link is tempted but is tells her he kinda has this thing going right now with some Princess and isn't about to throw it away for some trash who shares a one room, one bed dump with her old man. Link grabs his shield and heads out to find out what the deal is. Apparently he needs to wake up some lazy, fat ass fish sleeping up on the mountain if there is any hope of leaving.

This game is a forefather to all encompassing gaming environments like Grand Theft Auto. Along the course of killing dudes to gather up the instruments needed to wake up this stupid fish, there are all kinds of weird side tasks Link can perform like stealing from the general store, walking dogs, making prank calls, fishing, winning a Yoshi doll at the arcade, digging holes in fields, and accosting children throughout town.

Once you've assembled the one man band you head up the hill and play a gig for this beached, comatose fish. The fish wakes up, shakes his dorsal fin and everything around Link begins to disappear. Everything fades to black and Link wakes up out at sea, clutching a plank, playing shark bait as he bakes in the unforgiving sun. Up above the fish flies away. Because a fish who naps on a mountain can also fly. WTF! Either that fish was the biggest dick in the history of portable video game entertainment or I just wasted countless hours that told my mom I was doing homework playing out a dying man's hallucination. Either way a bunch of evil programmers delivered the biggest screw job of a finale on a level the Sopranos ending could never dream of touching.